2 Years: A Love Letter To My Cinematic and Spiritual Brother

Dear Blake,

     Today marks two years since you died surrounded by your friends and family. I knelt at your right hand; and just as you were my "right hand man" in life, I was yours as I held you in your death. The moment you left, I dropped to the floor and in my own way told God that I knew He could take better care of you than I ever did or could. I have missed you every day for the past two years. I have (generally unhealthily) suppressed the loss of you inside me these 731 days, not knowing how to deal with such a loss. Today I let some of my grief quietly surface in this blog-post, this letter to you, for I think you are more worthy to be honored on this day than I am worthy to finish it painlessly. I hope I can find catharsis as I type this to you, for with every key-stroke I remember the joy of our friendship, our brotherhood, our love. And as it has been spoken to me by a dear friend, "I can find no evidence that God is necessarily concerned with my happiness, but with my joy." And in addition to great happiness, I know that our relationship produced in each of us an abounding godly joy.

     In my sleepless days that led up to December 14th two years ago, I barely left your side. I ate. I took a shower over at Ronald McDonald House. I spent a few moments away from you in the hospital's computer room. I returned to you with news of the Golden Globe nominees: Laying my head down next to yours on your pillow with my chair scooted as close as it would reach, I told you how happy you would be with all of Black Swan's nominations (I never told you, but it went on to win the Spirit Award for Best Picture -and speaking of the Spirit Awards, the nominations just came out and this little treasure of a movie that I saw at SFF called Keep The Lights On has 4 and I'm so happy. I believe you would have liked it, it was one of those movies that pretty much embodied my life but sneakily so that it wouldn't be readily apparent to anyone else, kind of like Two Lovers *and there's this other one called Shame but I'll tell you about it later* or Everyone Else in your case, although that was just blatantly about you!). I told you how incredulous I was with the silliness of The Tourist's 3 nominations and the fact that Burlesque was even nominated at all.

     I woke up to this year's Globe nominations yesterday and immediately thought of you. Other than a brief rant about them to Robert (we are room-mates again, I was living with my now ex-partner Steven last year but I'll tell you more about him later), I didn't talk about them all day. And as I sat watching friends perform at Applebees Karaoke last night (I go every week now, it's kind of turned into a thing), I thought how peculiar that no one with me even knew the nominations had come out, whereas you and I would have had a huge talk and breakdown of them all if you were still here. The only truly oddball nominations were for Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, which no one was particularly nuts about or even really liked yet it's nominated in all the major Musical/Comedy categories. And it looks like our friend Daniel Day Lewis (I know how much you loved his movie There Will Be Blood) is going to win Best Actor again for Lincoln. Awards season has never been the same without you.

     I've never experienced a love like ours. I probably never again will. But I have experienced my first romantic love since you've been gone. From the moment it got serious with Steven I wished you were there to have met him. The third time I ever saw him I brought a handful of DVDs over to his place and he picked out Notes on a Scandal. As we watched it I kept thinking of the first time I ever saw it: When you and I watched it on your laptop and thought Judi Dench said the most deliciously awful things. That same night you gave me that insufferable remake of The Wicker Man in full knowledge of what you were doing... I still haven't thrown it out. That was the first of many movies Steven and I watched together. He, like you once were, became who I dragged to the movies -movies with him involved more kissing than with you though. Like I miss you, I miss him. We didn't work out. I moved out in August and am back to rooming with Robert.

     When he and I were still together last year, we went and saw what was the best movie of 2011, Shame. It introduced me to one of my now favorite actors Michael Fassbender. He's in a class with Ryan Gosling, Blake. He's that good. The movie is about the internalization and the externalization of pain through sex. It's a masterpiece in a class with Synecdoche, NY. And you know I'm talking brilliant when I bring up Synecdoche. 2011 also introduced me to this amazing actress Jessica Chastain. She was in seven movies that year! She's like a young Tilda, Blake... So you know I'm in love. She made a movie that year with Michael Shannon from Revolutionary Road called Take Shelter. Its about a man struggling to protect his family from himself and was second only to Shame that year.

     This year she is the lead in Zero Dark Thirty from Katherine Bigelow (The Hurt Locker), about the hunt for and capture of Bin Laden. She's getting a lot of Oscar buzz. So is Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone) for her movie with "B. Coop." called Silver Linings Playbook. It was the closing night film at Cineworld this year. Cineworld (and SFF for that matter) will always be our festival. So far, my Best Picture pick is from this year's Cineworld. Its from Michael Haneke (who made our favorite movie, Cache) and its called Amour. Its about an elderly couple and the power of their love as the wife is progressively overtaken by dementia. It's a masterpiece Blake. I get the feeling that like I Am Love, you might not have cared for it the way I do though.

     The end of The Book of John comes to mind as I think on how much has happened that I couldn't even find time to write about, just as John couldn't contain in that Book all of the miraculous deeds of Christ. Perhaps you have already learned of those deeds as you have dwelled in His perfect presence these past two years. I wouldn't ask you back from Him for the world, but I'll miss you until I meet you again with Him in His Heaven. The only appropriate way to end seems to be with this film title: I've Loved You So Long.

Love,

Rodney

 

P.S. I'm genuinely sorry for my many shortcomings as a friend, but through them all, I always loved you Blake.